Soliloquy: Beauty on the Inside (Part 2)

Filed Under: Motivational

Date Created:08 Jan 2014

Last Modified:08 Jan 2014

Number of Views: 399

Written By: Enock Simbaya

St. Augustine said, “People travel to wonder at the height of the mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long course of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars, and yet they pass by themselves without wondering.”

When I look within myself now, I am dazzled. I no longer find myself desperate to be like my heroes or my favorite celebrities. I want to be me! and it’s awesome. I never thought I would reach the point where I would want to be only me. I thought to be a great person, I had to be more like someone else: I had to be a Johnny Depp or Denzel Washington. That I had to write like Tolkien or Stephen King. That I had to sing like Bono or Leeland, or play guitar like John Mayer or Slash. Or become a great orator like Obama, or a genius like Einstein. That I wasn’t enough, wasn’t worthy, wasn’t yet there, wasn’t okay.

Being alone with me scared me. I thought I would go insane, I was trying to get rid of me, trying to be someone else. I reached out, trying to grasp at what un-me there was out there. I used to fear looking inside. Afraid I would find a dirty, ugly person on the inside. Perhaps a thief, or a murderer, or just emptiness. I saw in films and books how psychiatrists uncover deep evil stuff in people, and I was convinced that I was ugly inside. Really messed up inside.

But I discovered the truth. I am beautiful. I am magnificent, made and put into the package called me. Fearfully and wonderfully made. Just like the Bible says. I now identify with the great painter Pablo Picasso. He said, “When I was a child my mother said to me, ‘If you become a soldier, you’ll be a general. If you become a monk, you’ll be the pope.’ Instead I became a painter and wound up as Picasso.”

Picasso became Picasso. John Mayer became John Mayer. I become me. I now wonder at the marvelous person I am. It is amazing that I could be so gorgeous, so fabulous, so brilliant. I don’t need to travel far to feel inspired, excited, or awe-struck. I feel that when I see me.

I am not ashamed of it. I have peeled off the shame mask, just like I have removed the masks of fear, guilt, worry, ignorance, and unhappiness. I needn’t hide any longer. Hiding is pain.

It takes courage to say to myself, “I am good enough.” Because all these years I have grown up believing I am not. Somehow I have been trapping myself: hating me for not being good enough, and convincing myself that I shouldn’t be. Because I feel there are things wrong with me. But now I know: there are things wrong with the way I was thinking, and not with me. And the more my thinking changes, the more I begin to see the beauty I was made with. To see that everything I seek is already given to me. All along, that’s what I needed: to begin to see differently. Just like Wayne Dyer said, "If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

Bang! Just like that. I feel like I am a new me. I now see me differently, I now get in touch with the person I am meant to be. I now agree with God. He says I am awesome, and I say I am awesome. He says I am wonderfully made, and I am okay with that. It’s good to be beautiful, it’s good to be me.

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